anyresemblance

Remembrance of things past

I am thinking about Virginia Woolf and the need, no the necessity, to have a little space that is one's own just to be.

The children have been ultra demanding, ultra clingy, big hormonal mess versus little tasmanian devil tantrums.  Sitting back I ask, does this have something to do with new man in mama's life?  You think?

Of course, it also has to do with limited contact with papa these days.  His job is keeping him in Canberra and they are missing the contact.  And it's getting wintery with darker evenings and the house is enclosing us and the lack of space and, and...

And I need to make a space for me, to read, to write, to be.

Still, there's a long weekend in a couple of weeks and when I have finished this big piece of work I plan to take a week off.

What else is new chez anyresemblance.  Hmm, went to work dinner at ultra fancy restaurant where I felt the pressure of being with work people I was not comfortable with and drank way too much.  I felt shocking the next day and now have a fearful cold which is a reminder that alcohol zaps your immune system.

The weekend was busy what with school sport and whatever.  Sunday was a chilling out day with movies and chocolate biscuits.  I made brownies and minestrone soup and roasted a chicken.  My younger daughter lay in bed last night reading The Little House in the Big Woods out loud and it made me feel cosy and warm even in this house that I do not love.  I think I am feeling bad since my ex has taken over my beautiful old house and polished the floors and it looks so excellent that it makes me jealous which is stupid because I wanted this move.  But sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be still married and living that scene.  Pay me no mind, I am just melancholy.

Running on empty

Yesterday I was bad and mucked around with my friend, went to look at cars (his choice), ate avocado and tomatoes and toast, had my car washed and had a good time rather panicked by car trouble towards the end of the day when I had to pick up my daughter to visit the priest.  All was well though.  Priest wants to do a welcoming ceremony for her at the next school mass.  Read: make sure we sloppy-anglican-bred-types know what a proper church is like.  I went to bed ultra early to catch up on lost sleep.  Today I am all business and focused on work.  Sometimes I need those goofing off days to recharge.

The Slippery Slope

I’m not sure what’s behind the lack of blogging at the moment. I find myself with little time to even pay bills yet I’m not sure what is making me so busy. And then you get out of the habit and can’t think of a thing to say. But you’ve stuck with me through other drivel so I’ll just get on with it.

Reading: nothing.  This is really bad.  I have a heap of interesting books and no energy to read at the moment.  I have read Vogue and the newspapers.  This must improve.

Watching: cooking shows on the lifestyle channel. This is ok since it is inspiring me to cook a bit more than usual. I did see Downfall at the cinema which I thought was good though there wasn’t much to talk about afterwards.  The most shocking scene was Frau Goebbels poisoning her children rather than see them live in a world without National Socialism.  The painful scene of her placing the cyanide capsule between the teeth of her sleeping children, placing her hands around their jaws to break the capsule and the tiny death rattles was truly horrifying.

Listening: Radio National on the commute to and from work (I have been given a parking space in the CBD so have succumbed to driving to and from work). I have been a Radio 4 snob for so long that it has taken me years to realise that there are some interesting programs on the ABC but gosh how I miss Woman’s Hour (not the Archers since I get the daily email update and don’t feel the need to actually listen to them talking). Dreamy club music, the Roots and Miles Davies. I haven’t even rushed out to buy the new Lucinda Williams as I am so laid back at the moment.

Eating: nothing interesting. Have eaten heaps of dinners out but nothing truly outstanding. Did have dinner with close friend from NZ at this place and the food was good but nothing that had me really impressed. But I am going to dinner at this place on Thursday with my boss and other work colleagues and I hear it is super fantastic with the best oysters in Sydney and I love oysters.

Wearing: lots of skirts. I am really into skirts and dresses at the moment. Must be a very girly phase connected with flirtatiousness. I went to the house of a work colleague a couple of weeks ago for a meeting. She works mostly from her home office which doubles as her walk in wardrobe. She has a stunning collection of clothes and shoes – over a hundred pairs which are arranged with Imelda like precision. She moves in the fashion industry so gets heaps of stuff cheap or free but I was wildly impressed at the choice and – she takes the same shoe size as me. She is so my friend.

Loving: my girls. My lovely, lovely girls. My youngest daughter was awarded the Peace Prize at school this week. She was pretty fractious after she got back from the gymkhana and I was at my wit’s end with how she would fly into a temper at the slightest set back so I was so happy that she got some good feedback like this. It was for her kindness to other people and her Christian attitude so I am very pleased. Oldest daughter was mentioned in dispatches in the school magazine. She got a credit for her work which means two teachers put her forward for good performance. I am amazed at how well she is managing her time having been the disorganised person she was last year but this school seems to be giving her the structure that she needs. She also took the bus home by herself for the first time last Friday. She was so anxious about it but texted me from the bus stop, from the bus, from the road home (the latter full of invective since it was raining). But she did it, did the 20 minute walk by herself, let herself in and snuggled down with the cats and some cocoa and was so proud of herself. I can remember the anxiety of taking the bus to school by myself the first time and how quickly you get to explore alternative routes or work out what to do when you get on the wrong bus or get lost. And now with a mobile phone, there is little chance of being completely out on a limb.

Liking: the fabulous male friend who is bringing delight and distraction and demonstrating excellent  boyfriendness. I took a huge step for me in having him stay overnight in our house. I’ve been so intent on managing that separation between my grown up life and my life with my children that I have never allowed this with any man I have been involved with since I was married. So it’s a new dynamic but I’ve been watching the girls carefully and listening to what’s behind the words and it all seems positive. My youngest daughter grumbled some about not wanting a new daddy but we had a talk about how she would only ever have one daddy that was her very own and no-one would ever replace that. I am trying hard to be a conscious parent in all this.

Working: very hard but in a laid back way. I am doing stuff I really like on creativity and innovation and looking at new ways of framing our business so it’s giving me lots of positive energy. I did a refresher training course on sales leadership last week and got some great stuff on coaching. And my boss is so super fantastic. I did have a minor blow up on the phone with my ex last week on a work matter. I was partly at fault but he compounded the error hugely and left me out on a limb. After I put the phone down a couple of people asked me if I had been talking to him which made me realise that he still has the capacity to push my buttons but that I need to distance myself and not get engaged in his problems as much as I may sympathise with some of the things he gets himself into.

Writing: not this blog but I have been writing a bit in my journal so I am trying not to be too hard on myself. But I hate it when other people don’t update (note to Lushlife, tell us about your birthday party though I shouldn't complain since she has posted lots of photos recently) even though I know that they have peaks and troughs of energy to blog or personal circumstances over shadow the need to keep their audience informed.

Double take

I am girlishly excited to report that I met these two bloggers for lunch yesterday.    I was very anxious that they might find me dull but they are as funny and friendly as they are beautiful.  Of course, the weather was diabolical, the service in the restaurant atrocious and they are clearly people who are even better enjoyed while drinking frivolous cocktails but it was a heap of fun.

I met another marvellous woman yesterday. She is a new graduate hire in our company. She is from Canberra and the daughter of a friend of mine and I had promised to look out for her. She is so full of enthusiasm and energy that she reminded me that work is meant to be fun. She came to our home for dinner – which was chaotic, of course – but we had a good time and she washed the dishes before she left. The perfect guest.

Yesterday, I was amazed to find my company encouraging us all to download firefox in the spirit of our support of open source. Today, the lead article on our intranet is about blogging and encouraging us to set up blogs and talk about the company as long as we make it clear our views are our own. Yikes. I need to reread the business conduct guidelines to make sure I’ve got this right. I’m still not inclined to out myself in the corporate world with the minutae of my life.

 I got out of bed at 6am. It was dark and raining. I showered, fed the cats, got my daughter out of bed, bundled younger daughter in the car to take older daughter to basketball training.  When we got to school she was reluctant to get out of the car but I insisted. Back home parked on the street on a pointless no parking sign. Erstwhile male companion had sprayed these out a couple of weeks ago in an act of parking liberation but the council had zealously replaced them. Figured that 15 minutes at 7am on a rainy day might be safe. Gave younger daughter breakfast, coaxed her into school uniform, made her lunch, dried my hair. Realised older daughter had left her school shoes at home. She then calls me to say she had also left her project at home. Aagh. Drove back to school to deliver shoes and project. Dropped younger daughter off at school and did the drive to work. Surprisingly, the traffic was tolerable and I wasn’t completely frazzled.

The Interview Game

I got this from rara who I discover is on her way to Sydney:) 

Interview Questions for AnyResemblance:

1. What is the best thing about a new romance?

Delicious anticipation, lots of sex, discovering that someone is passionate about the same things you are, discovering new things you never thought you could be interested in, motorbikes, puhlease

2. Why do beds have to be made every morning?

Because eternal damnation will otherwise follow.  Sheets have to be 100% cotton, pillowcases have to be ironed.  The bottom sheet has to be pulled tight across the bed, the duvet fluffed and the pillows arranged just so – 3 on each side, placed on top of the duvet so it has a good flat line.  Then when you get into your cosy bed at night, it is like being tucked up like a child again.

3. If you were going to cook "the meal" what would be on the menu?

Is this a seduction meal?  I’m not good on those since I favour gutsy food as a rule.  Here is a selection of food which has found its way to men’s hearts: home-made bread since men seem to admire the idea that you can paint your toe-nails and knead dough; risotto since all that stirring and attention to detail seems to indicate a willingness to lavish attention on someone; any cake since many can now cook but fewer bake indicating a retro housewifery; spicy delicious chickpeas since it has been my staple for twenty years and the ability to blend spices is admired

4. What do you like best about Sydney?

People watching, walking, having coffee in funky cafes, catching glimpses of the harbour as I go places (it would be much improved by mountains, though, water and mountains make great city scapes – Wellington and Vancouver for example), city beaches

5. Have you handwritten a letter lately? When and what did you write about?

Yes, I wrote to my daughter last night since she and her older sister went to Canberra on the plane by themselves and I miss her.  She will get the letter at her father’s house and be reminded that I love her.  I thanked her for her beautiful poem she wrote me for mother’s day.  “You are so nice, you’re not as cold as ice, I know you care, you love me like a teddy bear”

*The Official Interview Game Rules (copied from DaddyRoBlog via rara)

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Shutting the stable door

You know this man was asking about how many posts you delete after you've composed them.  Wish I'd done that with the last one, but in the spirit of disclosure let's say things seem to be back on track.  Is there anything as delicious as make-up sex?

The Bolter

You know, I am by nature a loyal person.  I find it hard to leave an employer or an unhappy relationship because I am endlessly optimistic about things getting better. But sometimes, sometimes, I act on impulse.  And it is not that the person I was seeing was not greatly fabulous and surprised and enchanted me in so many ways and made me very happy.  But something happened that jolted me and made me think, I can not be what this person desires.  And though what they desire may give me great happiness, at the moment it seems to demand huge changes on my part. And my children are not an adjunct to my life.  They are completely central to it, so something that requires me to invest huge effort in another person is going to tear me in pieces.

Just as well that I went to mass this morning with my daughter since I am going to be living the life of a nun from now on.

Sisters of the heart

My sister is a very empathetic person.  She has many, many close and long standing friends.  She’s listens well and offers wise counsel.  She inspires love in people and is a fiercely loyal friend.  One of her closest friends died last week from cancer.  I had spoken to my sister some days before and she said it was hard to see her in the hospice, no longer the woman of huge vitality that she had been, soothed by morphine but in huge pain.

She wrote and told me that she had been asked to speak at her funeral.  She had thought of talking about sisters of the heart but wasn’t sure where the reference came from.  I think she was referring to a way in which I had described women who had meant a lot to me.

At my wedding I gave a speech the theme of which was the women who I loved.  I told the story of how when I worked in Libya, a recurring refrain of the families I met was concern that I was so far from the love and support of my own family.  To them, the ties of blood kinship overwhelmed everything else.  I had a very close friend, R, when I worked in Tripoli.  As two single women we were drawn together, but she was an extraordinary woman just the same.  Once a student asked us “Are you sisters?” When she heard me reply that, no we were friends, she looked intently at us and murmured “Ah, but you are sisters of the heart”.  In my speech I thanked all my sisters of the heart who have given me so much love and support over the years.

I’m thinking about my sister and the big hole that her friend’s death has left in her life. 

I may not have been entirely honest

I may not have been entirely honest. I am also distracted by a man I’ve been seeing some of. Nope, I ain’t saying any more on the subject. Well, not yet anyway. But, I’m having fun and it makes me a bit busy what with stolen cups of coffee and wondering if my lingerie needs an overhaul.

On the usual and more central parts of my life the new term has started with its attendant activities. I mean, I am glad that my children are joiner-ins (since I was too cool for school, and hung around reading Simone de Beauvoir and wondering why no-one seemed to understand me or want to take me out) but it involves so much effort on the part of the driver, especially when you’re a single parent family. So Friday night was debating which involved a 10pm rendezvous (another kind mother had ferried them to North Sydney but I had to pick her up from their house), Saturday morning was basketball, Saturday evening a birthday party, Sunday morning horse-riding. Sunday afternoon was do.nothing.at.all.

My father called me on Sunday evening. He was on his own for the May Day bank holiday weekend and feeling lonesome. It was good to talk to him and I set him the task of tracking down my younger daughter’s baptismal certificate which she needs to start holy orders or whatever the thing is required of the under tens in catholic school. She was baptised in the church where I was married and where my mother’s funeral service was held so my father likes to go down there and catch up with his old friends and memories.

We had glorious rain on Sunday night. I sat on the sofa and watched television and listened to it hammering down. But we’re back to sunny days which I am a trifle bored with. Bring some chill to the air, please. Good things always begin for me in autumn.

I have been making bread again which pleases me greatly. There’s not much else in the fridge but I can point proudly to my magnificent loaves.

I am reading Personality by Andrew O’Hagan recommended to me a hundred years ago by her. Gosh, I love it. I had forgotten about Rothesay and the train to Wemyss Bay and the Italian cafes and the silver jubilee and people calling you “hen”.

Work is good. I am interested by one of the women I work with. She has just returned from maternity leave and she is so driven in a way that I am not. I sometimes think she is so busy doing she forgets to be. On the other hand, another female colleague suggested that we sneak away to catch one of the Fashion Week shows. Now that’s my idea of corporate competence.